OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DOGS
Owning a dog can bring out the best, or worst, in people. Some become more tolerant, more patient, and begin to delight in the simple things in life like walking down a tree-lined country lane on a summer’s day. Other people become unnecessarily picky, dictatorial in the way punishment is dished out, and unwilling to accept anything short of perfection. Which says a lot more about the person than their dog, and is the reason that behaviour modification in companion animals is so tricky: it’s the human element that can cause (or maintain) a lot of the issues.
Why we get dogs
We might have grown up with dogs, or wished we’d had one. Then as adults, with the space and time to allow for pets, we yearn for a dog to make us, or our family, feel ‘complete’. Companionship is important to us. Spending time with others, and finding out their likes and dislikes, enhances our life. We’re a social species, as are dogs. For people who live on their own, dogs provide wonderful company: a reason to get up in the morning, and go out. Dogs accompany us more than other pets would, and seem eager to spend time with us (even if they don’t always do what we ask them to do). They also enjoy the same sort of things, including: good food, going out, meeting friends, flirting, having fun, and revelling in new experiences. This means we share more of our lives with them, allowing for deeper connections to be formed.
Not what we expected
The dogs we knew and loved when we were young, were largely cared for by other people. We got the best bits (the playing, the cuddling, even the walking if we enjoyed that), and were blissfully unaware of all the other things that had to happen (training, health care, grooming, the stress and worry that goes with owning a dog, decisions about where they should stay during holidays, or how long they can be left for trips out etc). Which means that when we finally get our longed-for companion, we’re suddenly faced with reality, and are now fully responsible for this extra life. They need to be cared for, fed, exercised, trained, kept out of trouble… and it takes a lot of time and effort. It can be even more daunting when taking on a puppy, or a rescue dog with issues. Our lives will never be the same again!
The problems are compounded if we expect this new dog to be similar to the one/s we loved from our past, or those from our imagination. Every dog is an individual, which means they can never be the one you remember, or dreamed about. If you try to force them into this perfect image, it can create resentment (on both sides of the relationship).
The underlying reason
There are many reasons we get dogs, and some of them we wouldn’t admit out loud, even if we were consciously aware of them. Loneliness is one example: the appeal of being needed, of having a purpose in life. This doesn’t only relate to those who live on their own: you can still be lonely in a busy household. This can foster animosity with other family members if they try to take your companion away, or don’t look after them in the same way you do. It’s even more tricky if your dog and your partner’s dog don’t get on; or if you feel lumbered with your partner’s dog when you’d rather be spending more time with your own. This not only creates conflict between the dogs, but the humans too, developing into a toxic environment.
Another reason is getting a dog as a status symbol, or to be noticed. This could be a specific breed to keep up with fashions; a rare or unusual looking breed that will be a conversation starter; or a guarding breed to help create a ‘tough’ image or provide security for a nervous personality. The behaviour of these dogs may become more linked to their owners need for a certain image, rather than how their dog would have behaved with a different owner, in an alternative environment.
Expectations
We generally want a dog to be quiet, to get on with all other dogs and people, to not stray far from us, and to come back as soon as they’re called as if they’ve pinged back on a long elastic band. Usually this doesn’t happen! They might dash off, find some fresh fox poo to roll in, run off in search of deer/ a playmate/ a dog to tell off. They bark excitedly until we pay them some attention, and they growl at postmen and dogs they don’t like the look of. They pull madly on the lead, and then refuse to go in certain directions. We assume our dogs will instantly get on with all other dogs around, forgetting that we don’t get on with all our fellow humans. In fact, most of us stay away from the people who make us uncomfortable, but if we feel trapped or think that we’ll win the argument, then we might get angry with them. We have to allow our dogs to avoid situations that trouble them, or teach them how to cope in a more effective and positive way.
We have to care enough about the end result to go through time-consuming (and sometimes stressful) training. If we don’t, we either need to live with the issues and accept that what’s going on is not our dog’s fault, but our own inability to sort things out…or we need to rehome them. To do anything else, like be consumed with regret, is unhealthy both for you and your dog. Usually, the best option is to change something. But your dog cannot change unless you do, and that’s often the main issue…we will undertake training for our dogs, but rarely ourselves.
A personal connection
So, what is your dog to you? Are they ‘only a dog’? In other words, an animal, like any other pet or zoo specimen: a creature that just needs food, water, and somewhere comfortable to live. Or maybe you think of your dog as another family member? You might give them the same privileges as other humans in the house, and consider their needs alongside those of everyone else, including choice of holiday destination or where to shop. Or they might be your confidant, listening to your troubles, and accompanying you when you go out, experiencing the same things you do, meaning you spend most of your time together. This is the level of companion, assistant or peer. Maybe your relationship goes even further? Do you think of your dog as more important than yourself or anyone else, and take pampering to the extreme?
It isn’t about right or wrong here, just an acceptance of your attitudes to your dog, and to all dogs and their owners. These attitudes may have come from lessons learnt when young, or through experiences since. It affects how you uncover and deal with any behaviour issues that occur, and will influence any training you do.
What’s best?
If both you and your dog are doing well out of the relationship, can anyone say that one type is better than another? In the same way every dog is an individual, so is every owner, and therefore every relationship between an owner and their dog will be unique. However, sometimes a relationship can become unhealthy, or controlling (on either side), and that can negatively affect the behaviour of your dog, you, and any other dogs and people in the household. There’s a paradox that occurs when we live with dogs. We want the joy of being with them as companions, but we might also think of them as wild creatures trying to take over our homes. This can create two extremes: at one end owners who put their dog on a pedestal, focusing their entire life and energy on them, allowing them to behave however they wish; and at the other end are those who limit their expressions of love and affection, implement strict rules, and set about turning their dogs into robots, devoid of individual character. Both have their flaws.
To treat a dog as an animal to be dominated, reduces the chance of a rich and rewarding relationship, and the opportunity to learn about love, harmony and teamwork. Without allowing a dog’s personality to develop, they cannot flourish, or express their emotions, and their likes and dislikes. But allowing a dog to make all the decisions, and to never train or guide them towards behaviour that helps them cope in a human world, is pretty risky...take a dog who isn't trained to come back when called. They might be having a wonderful time off lead running around, but what happens when they head for a road? Without training their safety (and the safety of road users) is at risk.
A sense of ‘self’
A dog’s personality can feel threatening to us. We have our sense of self: what we believe in, what we like, want and need out of life. The decisions we make are what’s best for us, and possibly our family too. Our emotions are controlled and in check; we know what our limits are. Then we get a dog. They also have a strong sense of ‘self’. They have emotions, and know what they need and want, and have desires about doing things, or confronting problems. That individual character threatens our primal need to maintain our sense of ‘self’. Their insistence in finding (and keeping) what is rewarding for them, can result in stand-offs, differences in opinion and even aggressive conflict. We can be so protective over our views and our ways, that we find ourselves feeling threatened by the choices made by our dogs.
We either learn to find a middle ground, where harmony can be restored, or we seek to get them to toe the line (our line!). This might involve training them to stop doing certain things, including the use of punishment (even if we hate ourselves for doing it), or rewarding them for the things we see as acceptable. But if personalities clash, there’s little affection, and training has been unsuccessful, rehoming can sometimes be the best option. Living with dogs isn’t easy. They will teach you more about life than you wanted to learn, but in the end, you’ll come out a better, stronger individual, with a loving and loyal dog by your side.
GENES AND EXPERIENCE
Nature versus nurture is as much of a debate with us as it is with our dogs. We are the product of our DNA, plus the way we were brought up, and the numerous influences we’ve had in our lives since.
Tribal rules
We, like dogs, are a domesticated species. The difference is that we have self-domesticated rather than being controlled by another species. In order to live in harmonious groups, our ancestors had to become more tolerant of other members in the tribe, and learn to work more cooperatively. Most of the time we still see this in action, which is why humans are generally sociable, and want to help others. However, there are exceptions – those who break the rules: the ones we complain about while wishing we were brave enough to follow such an independent path, without fear of embarrassment or recrimination.
This leads to conflicts, not just between people, but within ourselves. We are genetically programmed to ‘fit in’. If our dog misbehaves on a walk, we might feel on edge, out of control, and wishing the ground would swallow us up. Rather than motivating us to find a suitable answer, we might choose different walks (ignoring the issue rather than dealing with it), or rush for an instant fix (which often involves punishment techniques we wouldn’t normally consider). Our internal feelings, and our perceived place in society, can become more important than improving our dog’s behaviour, or seeing things from their point of view. It also stops up being the person we really want to be.
Blending in
These heavy expectations are powerful, and can cloud our desires and judgements, and make us feel like failures. It doesn’t have to be like that; the first step is realising that it’s happening. If we examine the real issues with our dog’s behaviour, it’s often about how their behaviour draws attention to us. Examples might be them humping the legs of guests, dragging us down the road, barking in the pub during a meal out, not coming back to us in the park when we’ve exhausted our repertoire of shouting (excited, authoritative, angry, desperate…). Then there are things that we regard as ‘not acceptable’ – these might be society’s rules, those handed down from older family members, or partners, or just our own personal tastes.
The problem with these things is that our emotional reactions make us annoyed with our dogs, blocking us from calmly beginning a training programme to solve the issue. A dog pulling an owner down the street can be fixed a number of ways. But if we’re self-conscious, some training methods can draw more attention to us, and make us stand out. Even though an observer might be witnessing a more positive scene, they will still be watching, causing us to choose the lesser of two evils – in this case, blaming the dog for pulling, and allowing it to continue.
The other issue is that we might be annoyed at ourselves, but become argumentative and dismissive towards other people as a way of covering it. Maybe they have a dog that upsets ours, or they persist in making judgements about what we ‘ought’ to be doing. It’s important to recognise that you can only change your own behaviour, not the behaviour of other people.
Taking our own path
It might be in our DNA to fit in, but as a trainer of a different species, we have to look at the bigger picture. We need to develop our own self-confidence, to help us through these tricky times. This is why training classes are popular; you’re there learning with other owners, who are also having problems. Although a training class comes with its own issues of fitting in - we don’t want the ‘naughtiest’ dog in class!
Confidence, determination, and an independent streak will help off-set this need to fit in, but you also need to be honest about the situation. If someone gives you a funny look when your dog doesn’t come back when they’re called, especially if they’ve just wandered through the automatic doors to a café to hoover the floor, they might have a point. We don’t want them to notice, we wish they hadn’t seen, but there’s no doubting the evidence. Remember that the only person who can change your dog’s behaviour is you. When analysing a behaviour problem, be clear about what’s really going on, and ask yourself what’s stopping you doing something about it. If you’ve tried things before and they haven’t worked, think about the reasons you stopped; why it was easier to give up, than change something and keep going?
Character Traits
Do you gain energy from, and prefer to be in, your own company (introvert); or do you gain energy from, and enjoy the excitement and closeness of being with other people (extrovert)? These are simple definitions, and many other factors are involved, but we usually fall into one type or the other. Dogs can also be introvert or extrovert.
What if you’re an introvert, and your dog is an extrovert? They will feel the urge to seek out the company of other dogs and people, and may ignore your commands to come back in order to achieve this. Which might end up with you feeling embarrassed; adding social phobia to your natural introversion. On the other hand, they may force you out into the world, and help you overcome any shyness you have. (Introverts aren’t necessarily shy, but there’s often a link between the two).
Compatibility
If you’re an extrovert, always amongst noise and bustle, and your dog is too, then this could work well (provided you teach your dog to act sensibly!). But what if they’re an introvert, and you hadn’t noticed their increasing levels of anxiety? Observation of your dog’s body language, and your own behaviour around other people, will help you figure out whether your character traits match, or are wildly different. This may require you to change or learn something, or provide extra training for your dog, but it should come from a firm understanding of what’s going on.
Other character traits include: being a pessimist or an optimist; a risk-taker or playing it safe; having an adventurous spirit and openness to new ideas, versus a preference to stay on home soil, with your old routines; and differing levels of excitability, plus the relative strengths of other emotions. If you match, this compatibility will make life simpler for you and your dog, as you will be able to tune into them more easily, and anticipate what they want. This will make them appear more compliant. Sometimes opposites attract, and are good for each other, by pushing comfort zones and having a balancing effect. As an example, a steady/ unflappable dog can calm an energetic/ on edge owner, with the added benefit that their dog gets to see more of the world than they would have done with a more laid-back personality. It can be win-win!
Sometimes people have different character traits according to where they are (work, home, out with friends, dating etc), but usually there’s an underlying ‘truth’ – the one animals can sense, even if we hide it from ourselves or others.
Control or submit?
Some people like to be in control, to lead from the front, to convince others of their point of view, to reach their goals at any cost. Some people hate conflict and disagreements, and want the world to swallow them up if they're so much as noticed, and would certainly never dare to try to take control. This might be a general character trait, or change according to the situation eg work life versus home life. Although neither is 'bad', it's worth reflecting on, especially when it comes to living with dogs. The person who has a strong need to 'be in control' all the time is more like to become annoyed with their dog's behaviour, and will quite readily reach for aversive punishments to stop them...perhaps commenting it's for the 'greater good', or 'it's only a few seconds discomfort' or 'dogs have to obey, that's just how the world works'. The person who has a strong need to avoid conflict and responsibility will shrink away, try to hide from the problem, and may try many different training techniques but will give up on them very quickly when they don't appear to work...perhaps commenting 'it's just my dog, I have to accept it', 'there's no way to fix the problem', 'if only x didn't do that, my dog would be fine'. Both these are extremes, but we all experience similar thoughts and feelings. When training and living with our dogs we have to be prepared for our buttons to be pushed, for us to be challenged. There's no need to get mean or mad, and there's no need to hide away and hope things might magically improve on their own. Reward-based training gives a clear route to improving our dog's behaviour, by guiding them to what we want them to do more of.
Adaptability
A willingness to adapt generally leads to a greater chance of success. Adaptability allows us to notice what’s really going on (not what we hope is happening, or what ‘ought’ to be happening according to our plan); and to be open and flexible enough to modify what we’re doing. It also builds resilience. Things won’t always go well. In fact, it’s likely that by trying to fix a problem, your dog’s behaviour may actually get worse for a short time. This happens because both you and your dog will be fighting the new ways: old habits (however unhealthy and damaging) are known quantities, and therefore comforting. The unknown is scary, and it can take up to eight weeks to form a new habit.
Drive
How determined are you to see things through until you achieve your goals? How much determination has your dog got? A dog with a high prey drive will take a lot of convincing that there are other things in life than chasing rabbits/ deer/ pheasants/ cats etc. If you can’t match that prey drive with your drive for training, then the original problem will remain. If you give up, you’re effectively giving your dog permission to continue. Your drive needs to be higher than theirs, which can take a lot of time and effort (although it gets easier with practise). But there’s no alternative – that’s why quick fixes rarely work. Rather than seek out a mythical ‘perfect’ training formula, we should aim to make lasting changes to our lives – changes that influence our dog’s behaviour, without the need for so much formal training.
Patience is also a drive: the determination not to be rushed, or made to feel anxious or angry. Holding onto the calm, quiet knowledge that you’ll get there in the end - particularly useful when teaching adolescent dogs, as they’re always testing boundaries. Stay patient. Stay determined.
ARE WE THE CAUSE OF SOME BEHAVIOUR PROBLEMS?
In our personal world we’re in charge of our destiny: we know what we like, what we want to avoid, how we want to live, what our dreams are etc. We are sure of our morals, our habits give us comfort, and we’re used to our reactions to certain events. As soon as we’re in a relationship, whether human or animal, we’re suddenly having to deal with another mind, another personality, another set of wants, needs and reactions. And they won’t always match ours. In fact, a lot of the time they won’t.
Influencing
Life is about learning to live with others, and loving them, despite those differences. It’s not easy! In the same way we get affected by other people and animals, they will be changed by us. Although we can be a positive influence on those around us, we can also cause behaviour problems in ourselves, in our children, and those we work or live with. Which means we’re also going to be the cause of some of our dog’s behaviour issues.
Effects can be specific, or more generalised. A dog might have a fear of a particular breed of dog, because their owner had a bad experience with that breed when they were growing up. Because dogs are highly tuned to their owners, it doesn’t take much for them to pick up a vibe of distrust, however unconscious, and it can build into a behaviour problem. An anxious owner might create an anxious dog, but they might also encourage stubbornness or bolshiness, with their dog always testing them.
It’s important to accept that we cannot create the perfect dog, because we ourselves are not perfect. This shouldn’t be a depressing thought, just something that is true, and will allow you to plan accordingly.
Reflections
Like it or not, our dogs reflect our opinions and beliefs about the world, and the rules (both conscious and unconscious) that we’ve developed or follow. They can also highlight our ability (or lack of it) to deal with the responsibility of owning a dog, and are a window into our character as a person. It’s not a comfortable thing to realise that it might be our problems on display, rather than theirs. Which means we need to explore our own issues, and seek to change something in our life which will enable us to move forward; allowing our dogs to change as a natural by-product. The trouble is, we’re generally very bad at making changes! We resist, and struggle with resentment about why we have to change. Which is why we can sometimes get stuck in the negative state of blaming our dog.
We all carry around so much baggage: issues from childhood, repressed memories, set ways of thinking and acting, poor self-esteem etc. These can all have an impact in the way we interact with other people, and our dogs. And therefore, (through association and learning), how our dogs respond to other people/ dogs/ events, and to us. Often things appear fine until something goes wrong, or the pressure increases, then dogs seem to ‘push our buttons’ and we react in ways that we regret later when things have calmed down. It wasn’t the fault of our dog – yes, they might have done something unexpected or unwanted, but our response was pure reaction based on our baggage, not a calmly thought out action based on respect for the care and training needs of our dog. Or the needs and feelings of other people. We need to learn to become more self-aware, to prevent our insecurities negatively impacting on our choice of training, and our relationship with others. Think of it as a journey – not something that’s going to happen overnight.
Willingness to learn
The best way to help our dogs, is to help ourselves first. We need to look closely at our own behaviour, and make sure that, even if it isn’t the cause, that it’s not adding to the issues. Try to recognise when your anger or worry is making a bad situation worse. Then take a breath, and try to think through the problem more rationally. If we’re struggling with life in general, any little thing our dogs do will get blown out of proportion, and we shouldn’t blame them for this. Also, your dog may have picked up the stress building within you, even before your partner or your friends do, and become unstable themselves. Dogs are intuitive, and are very sensitive to changes in our moods and routines. We need to recognise when life’s getting too tough for us, and do something about it. That might be talking to someone, signing up for a course, booking some counselling, taking up yoga…but whatever you do, make a change! If we keep ploughing on, ignoring all the issues in the hope they’ll magically resolve themselves, things are likely to get worse.
We also need to concentrate on developing empathy and compassion when dealing with our dogs. They might drive us mad at times, but it’s up to us to work out what’s going on, to feel what they feel, to sense what they are trying to achieve or avoid. Then do something to make their life easier. It might not make your life easier of course, but compassion means you care about making them happy. To see them happy, will make you happy, even if you have to change something in your life. Don’t resent them, just enjoy their company. Change is hard, both for us, and our dogs. But mainly for us. We can become annoyed, bitter, and resentful. Why did we have to have the naughty dog? Why can’t they just learn to be good? Why didn’t the breeder/ trainer/ previous owner/ our partner sort them out, how come we have to do all the hard work? It’s because we’re the ones who have to change first, and then quietly encourage it in others. But you cannot force change without there being negative consequences: you need to find a way for them to agree to it, and want to do it… or accept they may not wish to change at all.
Our needs and wants
Our basic needs are food and water, physical comfort (not too hot or cold, shelter from rain etc), and security from being harmed. We also have the need to be loved, and cared for. Then we need to be ourselves, to allow our personality to flourish, to do the things we enjoy doing, and to avoid the things we don’t. We seek autonomy over our lives. When all that is met, we might need something extra – to experience new things, to be challenged, to learn what it is to be human, and to have time to think about philosophical or spiritual matters.
This is all great when we’re on our own, but usually we live with others, and have responsibilities for partners, parents, children, extended family, friends, work, commitments to groups and clubs… and finally there’s our dog, misbehaving, just because life wasn’t already hard enough! And that’s without thinking about all the things we want: a new car, financial security, a better job, to be the ‘perfect’ weight, to go on holiday, buy a new pair of shoes etc. It can be a continual flood of messages in our body and brain, all fighting to be heard. Some are vital, others not so much, but they’re all part of our thinking, part of who we are. At this stage you don’t need to think about ‘fixing’ anything, just recognise what’s going on. How many of your needs and wants are being met, or have they all been lost in the chaos of life? Have you been focusing too much on ‘wants’ rather than ‘needs’? Do other family members think the same as you, or are there differences in the way you see the world?
Although it can feel selfish spending time thinking about yourself, if we can’t look after ourselves and stay strong, we won’t be at our best to guide and support others. This includes being able to create behaviour changes in our dogs; which can only happen from a place of stability.
UNCONSCIOUS RULES
Listing a few rules you have about life, like ‘be polite’, ‘don’t swear’ or ‘never cause harm to an animal’, should be fairly straightforward. But where they came from may influence the weight you put behind them.
Choice
Rules might have been created by others you knew – perhaps your gran told you to always go out with a clean hankie. You might be part of a religion that has set commandments, and a clearly laid out path to being a dutiful member of the community. The laws of the land, the things that would get you in trouble or arrested, apply to all of us. These rules are things we think about consciously, and either live by, decide to ignore, or actively push against. But we do it in the full knowledge that they exist: we know what we ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be doing, and are able to discuss them.
Under the surface
Unconscious rules however are hidden, and are much more powerful. They may or may not align with our other rules. If they’re good, to live by them allows us to be calmly self-assured. To go against them, or to follow unhealthy rules, can make us ill with stress. These unconscious feelings can also lead us into conflict with others, including our dogs.
A common example is an owner who thinks their rule is “dogs are not allowed on the sofa/ bed”. They might try to enforce this, but their dog continues to jump on the bed, even when they’re told off. It becomes a battle, resulting in arguments in the house, and a lot of negativity. This can happen if their dog senses that their owner secretly wants them on the sofa/ bed, perhaps for cuddles, company, to lower their blood pressure, or to have someone to talk to after a hard day. Their owner’s unconscious rule is “it’s beneficial for dogs to be allowed on the sofa/ bed”, which means they’re not living the life they truly want, which in turn causes confusion and stress for their dogs, and creates clashes with other family members. They could identify and accept their unconscious rule, and experiment by allowing their dog on the furniture (with a few rules); or be determined to stick with the original rule, but make other compromises to allow for more play or cuddle time.
If we can become clear in thought and action, it’s much easier for our dogs to listen to what we’re saying to them (both verbally, and through body language).
Uncovering hidden rules
Unconscious rules might affect our behaviour and decisions without us realising it, but our dogs can sense the dilemma we’re having. For example, if you believe you can’t provide all your dog’s needs, and only think other dogs can do this, you will rely too heavily on free play in the park. This will weaken your relationship with your dog, because, apart from them getting all their rewards from other dogs, they will sense that you don’t believe you can entertain them at other times. So even if you decided to play with them in the garden one day, they might just stare at you blankly, wondering what you’re trying to do. Maybe you believe you couldn’t, or shouldn’t, control the behaviour of your dog.
You might be uncomfortable with the idea of punishment, had bad personal experiences of being told what to do, or simply enjoy your dog being a ‘free spirit’. If you also don’t like social situations, you might have negative thoughts about other people who get too close. Unnoticed, and unchecked, your dog might become uncontrollable around other dogs, struggle to connect with you, and you'll both feel overwhelmed and emotional.
We can’t always uncover what’s going on: just accept that there’ll be a reason why your dog is behaving the way they are. They’re not doing it to spite you. Develop your levels of compassion (for both you and your dog), and try to find a way through the problem.
Regaining common sense
Rules are a useful shorthand to get a concept across. But if we get too caught up in the rule, without questioning ‘why’, it can create problems rather than avoid them, especially if it goes against other rules you have at an unconscious level. Common sense is also important, as is observation of your dog - how they interact with you, others, and their environment. When deciding which rules to follow, think about what’s really important to you and the other people in your life, what’s important to your dog, and what will actually work for you, and your particular situation.
Changing the rules
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is all about recognising the rules we make for ourselves, and finding ways to re-write them. Let’s say you’ve tried to teach your dog to ‘leave’. You know the theory, and have had limited success, but your dog still pinches things, and can never complete a more advanced leave exercise. Your unconscious belief might actually be “I don’t have the right to ask my dog to do this”, or “my dog won’t listen to me, because no one else ever does”. Your dog will sense this, and be more likely to go for the treat, or take food off the worksurface as soon as your back is turned. If you can identify this, you can change the rule, and try again from a much more stable place. Now that you believe “it’s okay to ask my dog to leave this, because one day it will keep them safe”, or “my dog will listen to me, because I am capable of training them to be obedient”, your dog will become more willing to respond to your requests.
This process often involves re-framing negative thoughts, or at least making them more specific. Your initial belief could be “I don’t trust other dogs running off-lead”, which would naturally make you nervous in the park, affecting your dog’s behaviour in turn. Instead, you could think “I don’t trust off-lead dogs who are not listening to their owner, are not in control, and are coming towards me at speed”. Although scary, this is less likely to happen, meaning that most of your trip to the park should be a pleasant experience. Even if the worst happens, you can make observations that will help on your next visit – by avoiding certain dogs, certain times of day, or specific areas of the park where it’s difficult to see who’s coming around the corner etc. This allows you to predict what’s going to happen, meaning your stress levels are kept in check.
Even with the best training plans, you’ll need to be fully committed to them for it to be successful.
Awareness brings calmness (sometimes!)
It’s important to be analytical, and not let your emotions and false beliefs get in the way of progress. Beware of thoughts like “my dog will never improve”, or “he’s okay, it’s other people/ dogs that are the problem”. Challenge this thinking. The only way change can happen is if you make it happen, and you might need to change yourself in the process. Sometimes you might not need to actively change things, but simply accept the situation. Accepting your dog, and yourself, for who you are, faults and all, is a powerful thing to do. But don’t do it instead of change, just because it involves less work!
Self-sabotage
There’s an odd thing that happens with us humans – we sometimes destroy our own chances of success, and we’re often not aware we’re doing it. It comes from deep within our subconscious, the part of us that’s responding to the world, and linking back to our past success, failures and moments of fear or discomfort. It’s the moment, despite our best efforts (or so we think), that everything goes wrong. We turn around to those close to us and say “see? I told you that would happen”. Then we vow never to do the same again. But we usually do. Rather than think clearly and rationally about how to overcome an issue with small steps building to a final goal, we rush ahead, become overwhelmed, and end up failing. This is self-sabotage, and recognising it is the only way to move past it.
Nightmares coming true
Let’s say your dog is reactive towards other dogs, and you’ve been practising recall training. You’ve advanced to them being off-lead, when other dogs are a long way off in the distance. Then one day you’re in the park, and convince yourself that it will be fine to let your dog off-lead, even though there’s a group of others playing nearby. “What’s the worst that could happen?” you ask yourself. So you brush your fears aside, unclip your dog’s lead, and wander into the park. Nothing happens at first, then your dog starts staring at the other dogs. You call your dog. No response. You try walking towards them, but they just move closer to the others. Panic rising, you start frantically calling. Or maybe you give up and shout “oh do what you want!” And they do. They rush over, creating lots of scared dogs and owners, and you’re feeling angry, guilty, embarrassed, tearful, and wishing you’d never come to the park in the first place. It’s all your dog’s fault! It’s the other owners’ faults for letting their dogs play! You agonise about it for the rest of the day, telling people different versions of what happened, trying to convince yourself that you did everything right, and it was your dog/ those people/ the other dogs/ the park that let you down.
This creates a negative mental state. You now believe that you cannot overcome the problem, and you just want to crawl into a hole and not face the world again. Your personal story might be different, but it’s something we all experience in our lives. Things go wrong because of our decision to chance it, before we, or our dogs, are ready for a harder challenge.
Self-sabotage holds us back from achieving our aims in life: how it manifests will depend on our greatest fears. Examples include not wanting to be seen as stupid, feeling out of control, feeling like a failure, not wanting to be noticed, hating confrontation, and specific phobias (certain breeds of dog, water, loud sounds, social anxiety etc).
The thing we fear often comes true, because focusing on it makes it happen, even though we’re not consciously aware of it. But if you begin to recognise the underlying issues, and plan your training accordingly, then it is something you can overcome. Be kind to yourself: remember you’re learning too. Think about how to handle things better next time, and move on.
Isolation
It’s easy to find ourselves hiding away when we have a problem in life, and sometimes we get protective over our problems, and our negative mental state. It might not be logical – but it is part of being human. It’s a big risk for us to be open and honest with other people, but through sharing and acceptance comes learning, and a greater understanding of ourselves. Surround yourself with supportive people.
Taking responsibility
Dogs have to be fed, watered, groomed, given medication, their poos picked up, given the correct amount of walking, playing, training etc. Since our dogs cannot do these things themselves, we have an obligation to meet those needs, often before our own needs are met. For dogs with behaviour issues, the weight of responsibility is even heavier. Yes, our dog’s behaviour may have been caused by something out of our control, but now that we have a dog with an issue, we have a duty to help them, and to make sure they do not to cause harm or anxiety to others. We never asked to be in this position, we never wanted to have to do this, and yet the only route forward is to accept that change can only happen through us.
Part of this involves being prepared to learn new things, as this helps us deal with challenges, and to be adaptable. Taking responsibility, without blaming others, might be hard, but it is essential.
MIRRORING
Even if we do lots of training with our dogs, how in control of their behaviour are we? Despite our best efforts, they often end up as a reflection of our hidden thoughts about the world.
Taking charge
If a dog doesn’t like the postman, whose mind does that reflect? Does a dog independently decide they don’t like postman (or any person walking up to the house); are they copying the attitudes of their owner (who might be suspicious of people coming to the house); or is it a reaction to the behaviour of the postman, who might be nervous of dogs, or dislike them, and is therefore giving off the ‘wrong’ signals? It’s probably a combination of all these things. However, if our dog doesn’t like someone, that won’t change by itself, unless they’re given a reason to think differently. We also cannot change the behaviour or feelings of the postman, who may have very good reasons to be afraid. Even if they got involved in the training by always delivering a treat with the post, it might take too long to undo the behaviours that have become ingrained. The thing we have most control over is our own attitudes about the situation: how we manage the ‘moment’ to help our dog stay calm. If we welcome the arrival of the postman, and take charge of the situation, then our dogs can then become a reflection of us in a good way, instead of a negative one.
No one’s perfect
By keeping dogs in our homes, controlling every aspect of their lives, and restricting their natural behaviours, we can create much greater levels of instability, and the development of behaviour problems that would never be seen in the wild. Which means our dogs are already getting off to a tricky start, and that’s before we’ve started influencing their behaviour with our own. We need to accept this, and be prepared to work on any issues that arise.
Why can’t we be perfect dog owners? We have big brains and verbal communication to help us exchange ideas, and we have access to a huge amount of information in books and on the internet about how to achieve perfection. But we are complex creatures, full of emotions, memories, experiences and connections with others. We might think certain individuals we meet or idolise are perfect, but on closer inspection they rarely are. People are very good at hiding their flaws and difficulties, and putting on a front. That doesn’t make us failures, it just makes us human.
Because we cannot expect ourselves to be perfect, we cannot then expect it from our children, partners, parents or friends… or our dogs. By accepting that at least some our dog’s behaviour is linked to our own, it means we can do something about it. By changing our own attitudes and behaviour, we can directly influence our dogs. It won’t transform things overnight, especially if the problem has developed over many years, but at least the potential for a solution is there. It’s now more under your control. With your dog as your guide, you may even become a better person (whatever that means for you).
Hidden issues
We all carry around specific fears and phobias, as well as more generalised anxieties and worries. These alter our perception of the world around us, making everything a potential problem/ catastrophe. Our evolution has biased us to concentrate on the negative, because it was noticing the threats that kept us alive. The trouble is we’re still doing it… for everything. Hidden secrets, guilt, buried memories, dislike of particular people, stress, depression, anxiety… the list goes on. And since it changes our behaviour, it alters the behaviour of our dogs.
Your dog may not automatically fear bridges just because you don’t like water. They might not refuse to leave the house just because you fear the dark. They might develop their own particular neuroses. But the root cause could be your unhappiness or anxiety. If you’re able to become more confident with life’s obstacles, your dog might too. Of course dogs can develop their own issues, unrelated to our own. But how they get over these, and learn to cope in the future, will be influenced by us.
Aggression or fear?
Aggression is often a cover, a way to deal with a stressful situation where something important might be lost. For our dogs this might be territory, something they ‘own’ or want to own, their status, or just their safety. For us, it’s all these things too, as well as when we feel vulnerable, or when we think someone is trying to make life hard for us (which is why we often react negatively to our dog’s behaviour). When we get cross with our dog for not coming back, it's probably because we fear they might run off, harm another animal, or run into a road, or get lost.
Mixed messages
If we can’t (or are unwilling to) change, then a greater amount of training has to be carried out, to counteract the messages we’re giving. Our dogs have to learn how to behave contrary to the expectations we are projecting. We have to become aware of our unconscious thoughts about situations. It’s very hard to lie to a dog, because they can read our body language so well. If a dog has several owners (as is the case with a family), who’s opinions and emotions will they reflect? It might be the most emotional person in the house, or the one they have bonded to most strongly, or the calmest. Study yourself, and your family, at home. Be objective. Put aside your beliefs and attitudes, and really observe what goes on, how everyone interacts within the house, and how your dog’s behaviour changes according to who they’re with.
Sharing emotions
Your dog is your mirror, but you can also be a mirror for your dog. Are you so in tune, that you unconsciously begin to worry about the same things as your dog without really knowing why? If you become fearful or stressed, and can find no personal link, you might simply be feeling what your dog is feeling. A strong bond can create this sharing of emotions.
Excitement, and a playful attitude, can trigger excitement and happiness in others. This is known as the emotional contagion effect. It’s much better if you can trigger a positive state, rather than a negative one, which is why play therapy can be so successful at alleviating behaviour problems. It strengths bonds, reduces stress, increases ‘happy’ hormones, and gives you hope that you can deal with any issues.
Being a good leader
A good leader is one who guides their followers without force, sets individuals up for success, rewards good behaviour, prevents bad things happening, and is in full control of their own behaviour and emotions. Other important aspects of good leadership include goal-setting, providing structure for daily routines, meeting needs and the creation of boundaries. Freedom is good, but complete freedom can result in chaos! Leaders occasionally need to be assertive, but that doesn't mean they get mean or mad, especially if the individual getting it wrong has not been properly instructed how to get it right. Rules are important, but there also needs to be lightness and fun. Dogs, in their neotonised state, love to play. So should we!
You can pretend to be confident, but although you might be able to fool another person, your dog will know the difference. Confidence needs to come from within. You need to believe what you’re doing, what you’re aiming for, and you need to believe you’re a good person, who should be heard, and that what you’re doing will benefit your dog, other dogs and people, and yourself. Self-belief and self-confidence are very closely linked.
Adapting and a lifetime of learning
It’s important to be aware of your limitations (in skills and knowledge), and be prepared to keep learning. This might be through other people, books, the internet, or just by observing and training your own dog, every day. Be willing to go that extra step for your dog. Keep them front and centre of everything they do: meet their needs, help them to be happy, and guide them through life in a human world with empathy and compassion.
(c) Sarah Crockford 2024, originally published in 'Help! My Dog Has Issues'